Failing

I’ve been waiting for some words to magically appear on the screen/page and that hasn’t been working out so I thought that I would force myself to sit down and write a post. So. Our trip to Vancouver was a lot of fun and it was great to see friends and have time together without work/school/errands/chores. There is truly not much better in the world than seeing your children play with your friends’ children.

We have been back for two weeks and I got stuck into that list of to-do’s that I made before I left. The list was a big help. I had been through the sections I was working on and made some notes there too (I find that if I bold the notes and make them a bright colour, it helps me to see at a glance where I need to pay attention). I started in on the list and then, I don’t know, I just lost momentum. Little things started stealing my work time away and I wasn’t really carving it out. We had a week of a lot of social stuff last week and I was just trying to keep up with the kids and the house. I have also been having issues with my wrist which makes it hard to type much but it’s not a massive deal.

Today, at the end of another week of not-much-to-show I feel like I’m failing, and it’s pretty shitty. I need to figure out how to get past this though because, honestly, I don’t have time to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I have a bit of time to myself today because L is off work and has taken our eldest daughter out for the afternoon. Baby Z is napping. I am trying to force myself back on track. Or at least into the station. Interestingly, right around the same time that I stopped doing any meaningful work on my project, I also stopped exercising. I have been meaning to go swimming all week and it just hasn’t happened (see, waiting for things to magically ‘happen’ again!). My mom-and-baby fitness class finished up before we went away and Z is too old to enroll in another one. I know that there is a correlation between exercise and work for me and I need to get back on it.

So, goals for today: 1) get outside for a walk. Bundle Z up when she gets up from her nap and go out for an hour. 2)See where I’m at in the theory chapter and set a small, reasonable, writing goal to accomplish tonight. When the girls are in bed, get it done.

Long-term, though, I want to think about strategies for dealing with times when I feel stuck, or struggling to work, and start interpreting it as failure. I need to do this for the girls as much as for myself. R had a Taekwondo test scheduled today and she got an attack of nervousness and shyness and wouldn’t even try to do it. It was tough to see her sitting on the edge of her class while the other kids did the test. She seemed grand afterwards and chomped down a cupcake but I want to be able to support/encourage her to try next time without berating her. If I’m going to learn to do this for the girls, I need to be able to deal with my own struggles around performance, success, and failure. I need to develop strategies so that I don’t spend even more valuable time on self-loathing and disappointment (which never results in an uptick in productivity). One foot in front of the other. One paragraph at a time.

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